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Here's what I want to share with you: I'm having a really hard day. I went six months without having a hard day, but lately, a lot of days are hard. That doesn't mean that the progress I've made in 3 years (not to mention the last 20) doesn't count. I thought that I was short changed because my work went viral when I wasn't ready. I thought I was letting people down when I wasn't set up to be an influence or support system. I wasn't.
"Do you like yourself?" My therapist asks me this almost every week. I sit. I think. I get uncomfortable. I squirm around in my seat at the question, suddenly realizing how stuck my legs are to the leather of the chair and how my necklace feels against my skin.
"Do you understand that this is your depression and not you?" He makes a point to draw attention to the delusions I'm allowing to run my life. I quickly dive into every reason that he's wrong.
Do you have a thing that drives you? That gets you excited? Out of all the hobbies I've had, the books I've read, the things I've tried, the only thing that's ever woken me up at 4:30am is the moon. (And panic attacks but we don't count those.)
I’ve been clinically depressed and anxious for the better part of 25 years. I’ve had the answers and know what really works for me for about a year. I have to treat myself like a one year old.What do one year olds have? Grace, support, encouragement. They learn to clap for themselves when they take a single step because everyone else is clapping too.
On my journey to doing not nothing, I've noticed a trend in my productivity. When I get up and do one thing, it usually makes me do another thing. I think to most people, that's living life and being a human. However, my brain is funky, so I call it a huge win.
Not everyday is a huge win. When I begin to struggle, the first thing to go is hygiene and self-care. Do people talk about that? Are people up front about how gross depression and anxiety get? Let me share some of what happens when my mental health starts to dwindle…